A lot of people have been telling me that they like my Fan-Fiction that I posted on my Deviant Art account, Arrietty 5 Years Later.  I didn't really think too much about writing it because when I got word that Studio Ghibli was making this movie, it was many, MANY months ago.  I ordered the DVD from Japan on Blu Ray to be shipped to my house the day it came out and I was simply amazed by it.  I bought the art books, the film guides, the film comics, just about anything one could have.  I love G/T and I love anime so this was like the two of them having sex.  Haha!

I thought the movie was amazing and the VA's did not disappoint.  The first thing that I wanted to do was write a fan fic.  I always wrote them for my own personal pleasure, but I never thought about letting other people read my work.  That simply lends itself to criticism and comparisons to the original work.  I didn't know if I was ready for that, but my husband said to give it a try.  Because like he said, it was a fan fic about two things that I was overly passionate about.  So I did it!

I didn't think too much about it at the time, but now that the movie is in the states and people are seeing  it, I was so happy that so many people were checking out my fan fic and eventually my other short stories!  A lot of people say G/T literature isn't for everyone because too many people think of it as a fetish, but I never felt that way.  I loved movies and books like The Borrowers, Thumbelina, The Indian in the Cupboard and Faery Rebels.  I don't think G/T will be the next vampire/werewolf trend, but I think people are becoming more open to watching G/T and reading about it.

I hope that my book will fit into this equation.  I'm working extra hard on it now, and though I didn't see the US version of The Borrower Arrietty I have heard pretty good reviews from those on DA.  I don't know, I don't like the VA's, but I really never do, especially if I've seen the Japanese version first.  I think Sho/Shawn sounds too old, but I think the actual dialogue sounds okay from what I've seen in the previews.  I dunno, I will probably buy the Disney Blu-Ray just to say I have it.  I hope there are some specials in it that weren't in the Japanese version.

But I digress.  I'm just so happy that my DA sight is doing so well.  I want others to read what I am taking time to write but I also want them to enjoy it!  I just love the fact that both BBC and Studio Ghibli have put together some great works with GT in it!  What will the US bring?

I hope the answer isn't Jack and the Giant Killer. :-(

Edit, Edit, and then Edit Some More!

I know it sounds silly, but I never really gave too much thought on how much a story needs edited to pass for a book that people might pay for.  I have been moving around things, correcting grammar, adding more scenes, and deleting ones that I don't think make sense.  It's a lot harder than a I thought to have someone correcting my work and pointing out things that are wrong with it or need improving.  It's like handing over a dish at a restaurant that you put your heart and soul into and allowing strangers to critique it.  Not that I consider my husband/editor a stranger, but it is still tough.  I am still waiting for him to have an epiphany:  suddenly realizing that my writing sucks and he doesn't want to help me do this anymore.  Sigh, he tells me that I am crazy for thinking stuff like that, but I can't think any other way.

My mother threw a fit when I accidentally let it slip that I got my eyebrow pierced. She said that she was disgusted with me.  I know it's a little melodramatic, but when I hear things like that...how am I supposed to assume that people won't think my writing style is disgusting.  It's a part of me.  It's a piece of me.  My writing is who I am, like my piercing and my piercing disgusts my own mother.  It's going to be so hard, getting through this process and not convincing myself that everyone hates me and finds me strange and aloof.

I think I may have my first book posted on Amazon by the middle of March and that is so crazy to think about.  I edit like crazy while trying to keep up with my school work and trying to maintain my sanity.  I am not a confident person by nature, and last week was a pretty tough experience.  I don't want to disgust anybody, I want people to be proud of me and enjoy the work that I am doing, but when I hear things like I did last week...it's hard to say 'no biggie.'  I don't know how many times the people I love will have to drill into my head that I'm a decent writer and when people don't like my stuff, it's not that they don't like me.

I like to be on my own, but I don't want to be ignored.  What a strange like to straddle.  Hopefully I will get a lot of editing done this week and I can finally start thinking about covers and what not.  You know, the fun stuff that doesn't make me break out into a cold and nervous sweat every time that I think about it.  And thus is another confession of a self-conscious author.

Building a Back Bone

You know, it really is strange to hear about people being so critical about Twilight.  I'm not trying to defend the work, or defend it as a great piece of literary work.  Sometimes you just find yourself at the right place and right time.  I don't know, but I really don't understand why so many people hate on books like Twilight and My Blood Approves.  I think Twilight set up a much more realistic world than she is being credit for sometimes by haters.  I think too many people think of the movie when they think about what the characters look like and forget that this world exists best in text.  Those books were not designed (well I can't say that I know for sure seeing that I have never spoken to Meyers) but I can hope that they weren't designed to be the next To Kill a Mockingbird or Of Mice and Men.  I hope that they are stories that allow middle aged school girls and almost thirty year old women like myself to coast into a world of non-reality where love and life can last an eternity.  I think what is most fascinating is the idea of living forever.  I would think a large audience must have considered the idea of living forever.  I mean it is intriguing!  Think of all the books you could read and write during a time like that under different pen names.  Oh I am salivating just thinking about it.

But I digress.  My editor (husband as I mentioned before) is almost completely finished editing the first copy of what I hope will be my first published book, of The Punishment Sequence.  I have to say that despite my ANT's I am actually pretty proud of this work and looking forward to getting my first overall critique about the story and not just my grammar and punctuation.  I have a horrible problem of also skipping over words when I type too quickly, so if I ever do that, I apologize and don't hesitate to ask me just what the hell I am talking about.  However, I also have the problem of thinking that every critique about my writing is a direct attack on me.  I really need to get over that and get a damn spine.  I wish getting a critique was as quick as getting a piercing.  BAM!  It's in, it hurts...but at least it's over and I can go on with my life.  A critique?  A critique can sit inside, eating away at my confidence for months.  How does one build a back bone? 

I find it increasingly more difficult to build a back bone in regards to my writing because most people react pretty positively towards it.  I loved writing in high school, and I was an English Major in college who wanted to take any class that involved essays rather than exams.  It will be tough...but I hope that I will survive my first big critique.  So there, in a crazy...not focused and certainly not organized manner you have the thoughts and confessions of a self-conscious author.

Automatic Negative Thinking (grumble grumble)

When someone tells you that you have ANT's you know that even from the sound of it that it can't really be that good of a thing.  When someone else explains to you that ANT's are an acronym for having Automatic Negative Thoughts it can be another problem all together.  I thought everyone had low self-esteem and I really believed that everyone thought the worst of everything no matter what was said to you but I guess that it made sense to find out that perhaps my way of thinking wasn't normal.  It's hard to know that every time someone says anything to you that you think the absolute worst.

"There's a piece of lint on the floor?"

I may read that to think that I am a horrible person who can't keep her damn house clean.

I didn't finish this one assignment with my students?

I will most definetly read this to mean that I am a horrible substitute teacher and everyone hates me.

It can be absolutely exhausting and the reason I mention this today is because my husband is almost done editing my first YA book of the Punishment Sequence called Oath of Servitude and I couldn't be more nervous to hear my final critique.  He had has been offering suggestions and comments as he goes along and let's just say that everyone has been causing a pretty terrible reaction from me.  I want to self-publish so badly because I really love the story I am working on and the characters I have created but sometimes it is really hard to think about being critiqued.

Why does it have to be so hard to hear suggestions?  I've never really heard truly harsh comments about my writing, quite the opposite in fact.  A lot of people say I have a knack for writing and I believe that I would make quite an interesting author because of my strange personality.  What worries me is I really believe that the world is crashing down around when just from simple suggestions.  It can be like an avalanche when those thoughts start and it takes a lot of time and concentration to get myself thinking realistically again.

I mean no one truly hates me?  Just because someone doesn't like my stories or my way of thinking doesn't mean that they have a personal problem with me.  They simply don't enjoy my writing.  Still, I want to put my writing out there for people to read.  I love to write, and I love to read just as much.  I want people to love to read what I write and I need to get over this if I'm ever going to see my work on Amazon or B&N.  It's brave to have the confidence to put your work on the internet for strangers to read, but it's going to be considerably harder to have the confidence when you think everyone is out to get you.

Thus, is the confession of a very self-conscious writer.

So it Begins...

There isn't much to say when you decide that you actually want to be a writer.  You read so much about the self-publishing idea and you have told so many times by so many people that you have a talent for writing.  So you write.  And write.  And then you drink some coffee and eat some jelly beans and then write some more.  Writing has always come easy to me, at least the typing part and the coming up with ideas, but what happens when you realize that you have to let others read what you write in order to become an author?  Scary as hell right?  I enjoy writing so much but I don't enjoy thinking about what other people will think of my work.  It drives me crazy!  I'm so convinced that everyone will hate everything and anything that I have to say that I wonder what's the point in writing anything because everyone will hate it...before I've even let anyone see my work yet!  It's crazy to think about and it's extremely tiring.  But I think I am finally ready to at least put something out there in the world for people to read.  I love to write so much and I love the idea of other people reading my work but I just hate the idea of being critiqued.

I saw once on Amanda Hocking's blog that "she couldn't be everything to everybody" or something like that and that statement really hit home for me.  It will be absolutely impossible to please everyone with what I write, but it should also be pretty unlikely that everyone will hate what I write.  Right?  That's got to be right at least to a certain extent.  Paranoia is a beast.  However, this is at least that is what I will try to tell myself when I'm writing.  I hope that once this process is finished, that I will be able to look back on this and say, "what was I so worried about?" but I doubt it.

For now I'll just continue writing, which by the way, is young-adult urban fantasy/paranormal romance. I finished writing a modern retelling of Gulliver's Travels but I'm not too sure how much I like it anymore.  The whole thing will need reworked.  I'm working on other things, and I am always posting on Deviant Art, (please feel free to check it out) and now I am obsessed with finishing a series called The Punishment Sequence which involves a lot of druids, pixis, and other what not.  I hope my editor/husband will finish editing the first book so I will have something more exciting to write about.

I guess that is it for now. :-)