Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Automatic Negative Thinking (grumble grumble)

When someone tells you that you have ANT's you know that even from the sound of it that it can't really be that good of a thing.  When someone else explains to you that ANT's are an acronym for having Automatic Negative Thoughts it can be another problem all together.  I thought everyone had low self-esteem and I really believed that everyone thought the worst of everything no matter what was said to you but I guess that it made sense to find out that perhaps my way of thinking wasn't normal.  It's hard to know that every time someone says anything to you that you think the absolute worst.

"There's a piece of lint on the floor?"

I may read that to think that I am a horrible person who can't keep her damn house clean.

I didn't finish this one assignment with my students?

I will most definetly read this to mean that I am a horrible substitute teacher and everyone hates me.

It can be absolutely exhausting and the reason I mention this today is because my husband is almost done editing my first YA book of the Punishment Sequence called Oath of Servitude and I couldn't be more nervous to hear my final critique.  He had has been offering suggestions and comments as he goes along and let's just say that everyone has been causing a pretty terrible reaction from me.  I want to self-publish so badly because I really love the story I am working on and the characters I have created but sometimes it is really hard to think about being critiqued.

Why does it have to be so hard to hear suggestions?  I've never really heard truly harsh comments about my writing, quite the opposite in fact.  A lot of people say I have a knack for writing and I believe that I would make quite an interesting author because of my strange personality.  What worries me is I really believe that the world is crashing down around when just from simple suggestions.  It can be like an avalanche when those thoughts start and it takes a lot of time and concentration to get myself thinking realistically again.

I mean no one truly hates me?  Just because someone doesn't like my stories or my way of thinking doesn't mean that they have a personal problem with me.  They simply don't enjoy my writing.  Still, I want to put my writing out there for people to read.  I love to write, and I love to read just as much.  I want people to love to read what I write and I need to get over this if I'm ever going to see my work on Amazon or B&N.  It's brave to have the confidence to put your work on the internet for strangers to read, but it's going to be considerably harder to have the confidence when you think everyone is out to get you.

Thus, is the confession of a very self-conscious writer.

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