Building a Back Bone

You know, it really is strange to hear about people being so critical about Twilight.  I'm not trying to defend the work, or defend it as a great piece of literary work.  Sometimes you just find yourself at the right place and right time.  I don't know, but I really don't understand why so many people hate on books like Twilight and My Blood Approves.  I think Twilight set up a much more realistic world than she is being credit for sometimes by haters.  I think too many people think of the movie when they think about what the characters look like and forget that this world exists best in text.  Those books were not designed (well I can't say that I know for sure seeing that I have never spoken to Meyers) but I can hope that they weren't designed to be the next To Kill a Mockingbird or Of Mice and Men.  I hope that they are stories that allow middle aged school girls and almost thirty year old women like myself to coast into a world of non-reality where love and life can last an eternity.  I think what is most fascinating is the idea of living forever.  I would think a large audience must have considered the idea of living forever.  I mean it is intriguing!  Think of all the books you could read and write during a time like that under different pen names.  Oh I am salivating just thinking about it.

But I digress.  My editor (husband as I mentioned before) is almost completely finished editing the first copy of what I hope will be my first published book, of The Punishment Sequence.  I have to say that despite my ANT's I am actually pretty proud of this work and looking forward to getting my first overall critique about the story and not just my grammar and punctuation.  I have a horrible problem of also skipping over words when I type too quickly, so if I ever do that, I apologize and don't hesitate to ask me just what the hell I am talking about.  However, I also have the problem of thinking that every critique about my writing is a direct attack on me.  I really need to get over that and get a damn spine.  I wish getting a critique was as quick as getting a piercing.  BAM!  It's in, it hurts...but at least it's over and I can go on with my life.  A critique?  A critique can sit inside, eating away at my confidence for months.  How does one build a back bone? 

I find it increasingly more difficult to build a back bone in regards to my writing because most people react pretty positively towards it.  I loved writing in high school, and I was an English Major in college who wanted to take any class that involved essays rather than exams.  It will be tough...but I hope that I will survive my first big critique.  So there, in a crazy...not focused and certainly not organized manner you have the thoughts and confessions of a self-conscious author.

Automatic Negative Thinking (grumble grumble)

When someone tells you that you have ANT's you know that even from the sound of it that it can't really be that good of a thing.  When someone else explains to you that ANT's are an acronym for having Automatic Negative Thoughts it can be another problem all together.  I thought everyone had low self-esteem and I really believed that everyone thought the worst of everything no matter what was said to you but I guess that it made sense to find out that perhaps my way of thinking wasn't normal.  It's hard to know that every time someone says anything to you that you think the absolute worst.

"There's a piece of lint on the floor?"

I may read that to think that I am a horrible person who can't keep her damn house clean.

I didn't finish this one assignment with my students?

I will most definetly read this to mean that I am a horrible substitute teacher and everyone hates me.

It can be absolutely exhausting and the reason I mention this today is because my husband is almost done editing my first YA book of the Punishment Sequence called Oath of Servitude and I couldn't be more nervous to hear my final critique.  He had has been offering suggestions and comments as he goes along and let's just say that everyone has been causing a pretty terrible reaction from me.  I want to self-publish so badly because I really love the story I am working on and the characters I have created but sometimes it is really hard to think about being critiqued.

Why does it have to be so hard to hear suggestions?  I've never really heard truly harsh comments about my writing, quite the opposite in fact.  A lot of people say I have a knack for writing and I believe that I would make quite an interesting author because of my strange personality.  What worries me is I really believe that the world is crashing down around when just from simple suggestions.  It can be like an avalanche when those thoughts start and it takes a lot of time and concentration to get myself thinking realistically again.

I mean no one truly hates me?  Just because someone doesn't like my stories or my way of thinking doesn't mean that they have a personal problem with me.  They simply don't enjoy my writing.  Still, I want to put my writing out there for people to read.  I love to write, and I love to read just as much.  I want people to love to read what I write and I need to get over this if I'm ever going to see my work on Amazon or B&N.  It's brave to have the confidence to put your work on the internet for strangers to read, but it's going to be considerably harder to have the confidence when you think everyone is out to get you.

Thus, is the confession of a very self-conscious writer.

So it Begins...

There isn't much to say when you decide that you actually want to be a writer.  You read so much about the self-publishing idea and you have told so many times by so many people that you have a talent for writing.  So you write.  And write.  And then you drink some coffee and eat some jelly beans and then write some more.  Writing has always come easy to me, at least the typing part and the coming up with ideas, but what happens when you realize that you have to let others read what you write in order to become an author?  Scary as hell right?  I enjoy writing so much but I don't enjoy thinking about what other people will think of my work.  It drives me crazy!  I'm so convinced that everyone will hate everything and anything that I have to say that I wonder what's the point in writing anything because everyone will hate it...before I've even let anyone see my work yet!  It's crazy to think about and it's extremely tiring.  But I think I am finally ready to at least put something out there in the world for people to read.  I love to write so much and I love the idea of other people reading my work but I just hate the idea of being critiqued.

I saw once on Amanda Hocking's blog that "she couldn't be everything to everybody" or something like that and that statement really hit home for me.  It will be absolutely impossible to please everyone with what I write, but it should also be pretty unlikely that everyone will hate what I write.  Right?  That's got to be right at least to a certain extent.  Paranoia is a beast.  However, this is at least that is what I will try to tell myself when I'm writing.  I hope that once this process is finished, that I will be able to look back on this and say, "what was I so worried about?" but I doubt it.

For now I'll just continue writing, which by the way, is young-adult urban fantasy/paranormal romance. I finished writing a modern retelling of Gulliver's Travels but I'm not too sure how much I like it anymore.  The whole thing will need reworked.  I'm working on other things, and I am always posting on Deviant Art, (please feel free to check it out) and now I am obsessed with finishing a series called The Punishment Sequence which involves a lot of druids, pixis, and other what not.  I hope my editor/husband will finish editing the first book so I will have something more exciting to write about.

I guess that is it for now. :-)